Have you noticed how everyone is being so nice on the campaign trail all of a sudden? Oh wait, I forgot about the Republican debate last night. Let me rephrase; have you noticed how everyone who matters is being so nice on the campaign trail all of a sudden? As you know, John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race yesterday. You would think Hillary and Barry would be like all happy and shit, but OH NO all of a sudden they are all reflective about what a great guy John is and how he has a real stand up family. What gives? Others may suggest ulterior motives, but being an expert political analyst allows me to know the truth. And the truth is that watching John step down reminded the Clinton and Obama camps that life is short, they both have a common goal, and can’t we all just get along? No more of this petty sniping at each other. It is time for the Democratic lovefest!

Still got your lunch? Good, because you will need the strength to read this Very. Special. Edition of Hot or Not? featuring the man who brought peace to a campaign, John Edwards. In the spirit of this newfound love of everyone’s favorite son-of-a-mill-worker, please welcome a very special guest, an anonymous Edwards admirer and wanton political slut who I will refer to as Megan. Join our Snappy Hour fun after the jump.

Jason: You wanna do this thing?
Megan: Sure, shall I crack a bottle of wine?
Jason: Whatever suits you. I am still at work, although I think we have some beer in the fridge.
Megan: It’s been more of a liquor week anyway. So, Johnny.
Jason: Why did you want to do him specifically? DO HIM - get it?
Megan: Well, it all starts by wanting to run my fingers through his hair. His pretty, pretty hair.
Jason: I think that is one of my problems with him. His hair is so perfect. Like, I have super thick naturally curly hair from hell.
Megan: I’m not saying I don’t like thick, curly hair. Or even very short hair, like the last guy I dated.
Jason: Right. But its just so…hmmmm. It has been snowing here all day, and when I am forced to wear a stocking hat, even for a minute, I turn into that kid from high school who everyone makes fun of because his hair was messy. Actually, that kid was me. So it fits. I have hair jealousy.
Megan: Ok. Well, my hair is far from perfect. But his seems like it would be fun to stroke in bed. Plus, for a 54 year old, he looks like he’s got kind of a nice body, and hopefully he’s not completely hairless.
Jason: I mean, he is really good looking. Young, energetic, good skin. Lots of make-up, but I guess it goes with the territory.
Megan: Well, but even without make-up, he looks pretty damn good. Also, then there’s the story that he broke Liz’s rib during some fantastic sex. There’s nothing like a politician having some crazy passionate rib-cracking sex with his wife that’s fucking hot.
Jason: But he’s a politician. I just have a hard time with the idea of turning him into a sexual object, which after all is the point of hot or not? in the first place. Maybe it is that southern boy thing that he oozes.
Megan: I can do that. The last few guys I’ve dated have been Southern and I’m a Northeasterner. Nothing like broadening your horizons. Plus, I’ll admit, I like older men sometimes. Like, he’s both older and young-looking at the same time.
Jason: Oh I like older men. To go back to the southern thing, I have to bring up the decidedly not hot (unless I guess you are some dried up Republican shrew whose husband is busy sucking off truckers at rest stops) Fred Thompson. I mean, he has that good-ol’ boy thing too, but he is too lazy to even campaign. Doesn’t that mean he is too lazy to bend you over the couch and fuck you? For as high energy as he (Edwards) supposedly is, he gives off that same lazy vibe.
Megan: Have you seen Fred’s wife? Maybe bending her over the couch is why he doesn’t have the energy to campaign.
Jason: Tiring himself out on the silicone funbags?
Megan: Well, he’s kind of a really big dude for titty-fucking. Not that I, um, know that that’s really an issue or anything.
Jason: Of course not. You could only imagine.
Megan: Aaaanyway, Edwards doesn’t come across as lazy to me. Sometimes he’s all angry, sometimes he’s fired up, he’s rarely looked extra sleepy. Plus, he fucked his wife of 20+ years so hard he broke her rib. That’s major bonus points in my book. And his jeans hug his ass pretty well.
Jason: I will concede that point. Plus, you know he is paying for dinner and the shoes, and he probably isn’t going to be going to jail anytime soon like our hot French trader friend.
Megan: And because he’s a little older and Southern, he’ll do those pulling-out-the-chair things and it’ll be candlelit and romantic and then he’ll take you home and fuck you senseless. So, I’m voting hot.
Jason: I’m voting not, but hear me out. He just seems so happy with his wife and family, and it is just hard to get too worked up about him. Not to be too much of a Debbie Downer (WAAAAA WAAAAAA), but I feel so much sympathy towards him and what he is going through with his wife’s cancer, it is difficult for me to get the lead in the pencil. Damn it! I am supposed to be a man and fuck anything that moves. Why all of these wussy feelings?
Megan: I don’t know, dude, we’re just evaluating if he’s hot. I mean, Elizabeth seems lovely and if I’m thinking about her and the kids, I feel bad about myself, but he’s still hot.
Jason: I guess I am getting too wrapped up in the situation and not the guy. I guess by your thinking, if he is hitting on me in a bar, then I would for sure let him buy me a couple of rounds. Also, do you think a $400 haircut would fix my winter hat-head problems?
Megan: Not the haircut, but maybe one of those super expensive Japanese hot oil treatment thing. Or a buzz cut.
Jason: That IS the official haircut of the HFA.
Megan: I thought the official HFA haircut was the male equivalent of a Brazilian?
Jason: Ugh. Landing strips? Or cue ball smooth testicles? My boys are all natural. I should say my boys (and my boys) are all natural.
Megan: Hairless nutsacks are strange indeed. But I don’t know about your weird military rituals.
Jason: You are just a girl.