Greg shows off Cynics’ Party’s powerful blogging platform.

Maybe you guys noticed that we added threaded comments, a ShareThis button at the end of every post and a sleak new expanding/contracting thing-a-majig on posts with jumps! This is because you are special and we love you. Also, this is why I’m not posting anything. Sorry about that. But enjoy!

Sad news for fans of the really, really atrocious drag queen arts. Conservative Republican Rudy Giuliani is pulling out of the presidential race today, after working SO hard flying to Florida a few times and talking about 9/11 since forever. Don’t feel too bad for him though - he can still comfort himself by rolling around in big piles of money and licking Bernie Kerik’s balls (how would you like THAT lipstick on your dipstick?). Word is that he will also endorse John McCain. With Rudy’s help, McCain should be able to come up with a fabulous new persona and act to rival any other Sophia impersonator at your local gay bar’s Golden Girls night.[AP]

Oh no! What will all the poor people do?

As Megan mentioned, John Edwards is dropping out of the race, which is a shame because he’s soo close! But since he’s a QUITTER and DOESN’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, he leaves us wondering: what will happen to his 26 delegates? Yeah, we don’t know where he won them either, but he did, and now we don’t know what’s going to happen to them because we didn’t pay attention while we were getting our political science degree. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? You may speculate in the comments. Or if you know, just tell us and you will get a prize!

Angry Johnny is apparently going to withdraw somewhat gracefully from the race for the Democratic nomination this afternoon in New Orleans. He’s actually not yet expected to make an endorsement, which is interesting. No one knows whether this means his voters will swing to Hillary because they supposedly don’t like black people or to Obama because they will stick with a supposedly non-establishment upstart candidate. [CNN]

Yesterday, while everyone was focusing on the Florida primaries, Barack Obama’s campaign announced that they’re dumping $72,650 that’s tied to the allegedly corrupt Chicago businessman Tony Rezko. I guess Hillary wasn’t the only one who knew how to use last night’s meaningless vote to her advantage. Obama had already gotten rid of $85,185 in Rezko-related campaign funds, but with this latest purge, the Obama camp say they have now officially “returned any and all funds that could be reasonably credited to Mr. Rezko’s political support.” They really promise this time guys. Like, for serious. Read the rest of this entry »

Now that Hillary Clinton has snuck her way into “victories” in both the Florida and Michigan Democratic primaries, she needs to begin doing the hard work of forcing the country to accept the results of these fairly shady elections. She began her effort with a post-primary interview on MSNBC this evening. Read the rest of this entry »

After a close contest, John McCain has been declared the winner of the Florida Republican Primary. Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney are both made their concession speeches at the same time. Now that he lost the only state he tried to win Rudy is going to quit the election, but Mitt Romney still might have a shot. He also has enough of his own money to keep going even if it turns out that he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. McCain doesn’t have any money, but with this victory, it looks like he has something more important than cash: Conservatives who don’t hate him in spite of what the talk radio crowd has to say about it. In his speech, McCain is saying his margin of victory isn’t enough to brag about, but pretty much everybody else thinks he’s the frontrunner now.

BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani is currently making his concession speech in tonight’s Republican Florida primary. Rudy congratulated John McCain who he said “I believe has been declared the winner.” He also declared Ron Paul winner of all the debates. Giuliani hasn’t mentioned 9/11 even once yet.

The results of the meaningless Florida Democratic primary are in and Hillary Clinton is the champion. Those wacky Floridians, who seem to have a thing for fucking with elections, moved up their primary date without permission from the DNC so they got punished real bad! They were stripped of delegates to the upcoming convention and the candidates pledged not to campaign there. Recently however, Hillary snuck down for a teensy visit, though she and her staff argue that this was, somehow, not real campaigning. There was a similar situation in Michigan earlier this month, except in that primary the candidates had the option of removing themselves from the ballot. Edwards and Obama had their names taken off. Hillary did not. Her name was the only one on the ballot. Guess who won. Read the rest of this entry »

So if you have been around anything that plugs in and projects pictures or sound at any point in the last two days, you know that Prezident Chimp gave his last State of the Union address last night. From everything I’ve read (i.e. nothing) it was a snoozefest of epic proportions, tax cuts, killing Muslims, evil terror, applause, applause, applause. Taking a break from her normal activities of pickling beets or smoking brisket or whatever they do there for fun, Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius gave the Democratic Party rebuttal that was from most accounts as boring and pointless as anything shrub had to say. From what I copied and pasted from the AP article I skimmed over on Yahoo news, she is “a red-state Democrat touted by congressional leaders as a symbol of bipartisanship.” Asleep yet?

Well, just this morning HFA Comrade Be.Right.Back gave me a little heads up that this story may be more interesting that previously believed possible. It seems that Gov. Sebelious has a young artist son, whose website can be found here. And it raised an important political question: John Sebelius, hot or not? BRB and I discuss in a format which you might recognize after the jump. Welcome to the first Snappy Hour. Read the rest of this entry »