Hey everyone! I am halfway through a bottle of red wine (2004 Rubis Cotes du Rhone - yum!) and it has literally been snowing in Chicago all day. They say we might get 8-12 inches. Normally that would be a great night for me, but somehow this doesn’t seem like quite as much fun. Anyway, I just had a great idea for a new column - Non-Watcher 2008. I have already made it quite clear that I hate speeches and debates, so I figured instead of watching them, I would wait until they are done, read a random article from some site on the interwebs, and regurgitate it here. Sound good? That way we are all able to concentrate on what is really important, such as watching the season premiere of ‘Lost’ and fantasizing about Sawyer shoving Kate down in Ana-Lucia’s little jail pit and ass-raping Jack.

So welcome to Non-Watcher 2008. I don’t watch, so you might have to if you want to know what in the hell is going on.
Because it was a Democratic debate, my natural source for the most unbiased assessment was of course Fox News. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the article was nearly word for word the same as the one of the AP wire. Hmmmmm. Conspiracy? Or did Fox just not cover it? And who gives a fuck? (ooooooo - look - my glass is empty!)

So tonight the two remaining candidates (the black one and the dyke) were in Hollywood at the Kodak Theatre, where the Academy Awards may or may not happen. There were big stars there, such as Diane Keaton, Jason Alexander, Pierce Brosnan, Rob Reiner, Stevie Wonder, Kate Capshaw, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bradley Whitford and Gary Shandling. And you know what I am thinking - nine celebrities - that would be the best panel for Hollywood Squares ever! And by all accounts, Hills and Barry were pretty friendly with each other. They even said nice things about John Edwards in an attempt to trick some of his supporters into switching over to them. Barry also tried to make up for his SOTU “Hey Hills, want to shake hands? PSYCHE!, I left you high and dry bitch!” by pulling out her chair for her or something (can someone confirm this?). They did get snippy with each other about immigration and Iraq War, and Hillary said something about being ready to lead on Day 1 and Barry saying something about being right on Day 1. They also pissed all over the Clinton-Obama/Obama-Clinton dream ticket, although you could like TOTALLY tell they were both thinking about it. Next week is some big thing in a couple of places, and after that they may not get a chance to sit down and hurl insults at each other again, which makes them both sad pandas.

So that is it until the next time there is some political bullshit on the teevee that I don’t want to watch and would rather types lots of swear words and make up sexual scenarios about fictional characters. This is your non-watcher reminding you once again that I don’t watch, so you might have to if you want to know what in the hell is going on.