Customs agents and apparently TSA fuckwits are seizing travelers’ laptops, cell phones and handheld data devices under the guise of national security, terrorizing innocent business people who, of course, have no recourse besides confessing that they are agents of Al Qaeda like everyone else in America not employed by the federal government and just get it over with.

Laptops are disappearing, hard drives are being cloned and contact lists on cell phones and SIM cards are being copied and added to the Master List of Terrorists and Their Collaborators - which no one can see or even speculate about without risking charges of terrorism and treason, summary judgment on the spot and firing squad execution.

The squirrel-brained dickwads at Customs are convinced somehow diabolical terrorists of the type that masterminded 9/11 are going to leave important information in the clear when they can use a browser and log onto DeathtoAmerica.org. Or burn up to 8 gigs onto a mini card that can be set into a camera or, if you’re really feeling MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, embedded into a hollowed out coin, or a book binding, or a shoe, or shoved up your asshole.

Come on, federales: you’re not forcing everyone to shit in front of you and digging through the pile before getting on the plane? You’re exposing yourselves for the dimestore fascists you are. Worse, you are missing some great entertainment and letting these guys sneak into and out of the country with their Death to America MP3s!

Let’s get out the bullhorns and just shout at everyone to: strip, toss (cell phones and laptops), squat and shit (STSAS)! Make it an acronym and it just becomes fun and games! Everybody join in now! Strip, Toss, Squat and Shit! Then hire someone to create a cartoon character - STSASsaphas, the patron saint of wife beating and completely gratuitous traveler harassment.

Last week, the Electronic Frontier Foundation and a raft of terrorist-huggers were supposed to file a lawsuit to force the government to disclose its policies on border searches. Sure. Like they’re not actually “we make it up on the spot when we see a hot bitch we want to stalk.” The Washington Post has the whole gruesome tale, including the story of someone actually named Mango who was harassed by the federales.

Clarity Sought on Electronics Searches [Washington Post]