Big, bloated, pill-popping, injection taking asshole Roger Clemens is currently lying in front of a group of Viagra-popping, cash injection taking assholes in the House of Representatives. Apparently he is claiming to have never taken drugs, even though he pitched successfully until he was 75 years old and his body has had all kinds of special, magical things happen to it over the years. He may be a little dumb too, saying things like “misremembered” and mispronouncing the last name of the former trainer whose accusations against him have been the equivalent of a 12 inch studded dildo shoved up his ass and spun around like a top. Which is why he needs the high-powered team behind him from the law firm of Toupee & The Jew to do all of the talking.

The sad thing is that Roger used to be kind of fuckable, in that arrogant asshole baseball player way, but unfortunately all of the ‘roids have probably shrunken his dick down to the size of…sorry, I haven’t taken the required Cynics’ Party contributors course for describing tiny penises from Prof. FlyingChainSaw. I guess you all can finish that thought. [Associated Press]