Jesus-crazed Republican US Representative and president-stalker Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) was apparently staging another State of the Union address sexual assault on Boy Fuhrer George W Bush. People who own or live near televisions may remember the bizarre attack on Bush last year at the SOTU when Bachmann grabbed Bush’s hand, spun him on his heels and launched her vast furry tongue down his throat. A new plot to be hatched at this year’s SOTU was thwarted by fast-thinking US Secret Service agents earlier this month, equipped with tranquilizer guns and psychics.

Bachmann, a clinically insane, bug-eyed imbecile, who opposes stem cell research because, “We know about plants and plants don’t get cancer or tooth decay. It’s people disease we need to research, dummies!” was, at the time, unapologetic about orally penetrating President Bush. “Naughty boy! He had Cheese-Its and beer for dinner! I could smell it when he gagged on my tongue,” she said extending her muscular mouth mandible and wiping down her wriggling eyebrows.

Over the past several months, Bachmann had been laying out a cover story about her ‘backing off’ from her aggressively friendly posture towards the president, hoping of course to put the President at ease at this month’s SOTU. All the better to pounce on him in an unguarded moment. Bachmann’s press office has been peppering the media with confections. This local TV story is typical of the misinformation that Bachmann’s office had been spreading.

The Michelle Bachmann Conspiracy

Cynics’ Party private investigators have, meanwhile, surmised that Bachmann had been in engaged in a full-time athletic conditioning regime, exercising up to 16 hours a day, getting ready to seize, kidnap and rape President Bush to impregnate herself and finally gestate a child she already calls, “The Keymaster of Armageddon and the Gatekeeper of Apocalypse.” Bachmann is, according to close friends, convinced that she and the Boy Fuhrer can produce a son who will be elected president and finish President Bush’s work of plunging the world into Armageddon and provoking the biblical Apocalypse that will return Christ to earth. “Laura can’t do it because she is not saved,” Bachmann allegedly told a close Christian friend.

Bachmann engaged Roberto Zorratano-Krutz, world famous Olympic ski-jumping trainer, physical conditioning expert and, according to a source in the Washington paranormal community, a master of astral projection and teleportation. Reports in the European press alluded to a cabal of Apocalyptic Christian cultists funding the conspiracy. Even if US Secret Service demanded that Bachmann be seated in the rear of the chambers for the SOTU, Bachmann could apparently broadjump nearly 40 yards and is now strong enough to lift a compact car (without occupants). Further, she could teleport herself almost a quarter a mile at a time. “My heart is ready! My body is strong! My loins are the Vessel of Apocalypse!” Bachmann reportedly shouted during her workouts.

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Interviewed about the Bachmann Conspiracy, First Lady Laura Bush, laughed through clouds of cigarette smoke, choking and gagging loudly. “Bachmann and her buddies expect George to achieve an erection around a woman? Wow!” Laura said before collapsing into a laughing fit. “The only time I’ve seen George with a stiffy is when Victor Ashe or the guys from Saudi Arabia come over to make out with him. Victor and George are really a private couple. They always make me leave the room. The twins? Oh, the twins are Jebs’. It was in my contract, to keep the line in the family in case paternity was ever revealed. The Bushes are as stupid as bags of hammers but they have sharp lawyers.”

US Secret Service Busts the Bachmann Conspiracy

Hours before the SOTU, USSS agents staked out the airplane hangar in Fort Belvoir where Bachmann was performing her workouts. A local psychic, long in the employ of the USSS as a tipster, had informed them where Bachmann was staging her coup. A firefight broke out after the Apocalyptic cabalists who follow Bachmann everywhere detected the agents parked near the entrance. Panicked, Bachmann attempted to broadjump from the scene, but was quickly followed by a pride of USSS helicopters who took out Bachmann with tranquilizer rounds fired from sniper rifles. “Eight rounds. She’s as strong as an ox and, from what I hear, almost twice as smart,” an agent said leaning on his rifle outside the camp’s gates.