The Department of Homeland Security yesterday declared that America’s skies are terror free now that every first name and last name in all the nation’s White Pages appear on the Terror Watch List that controls who may board a commercial flight in the US. The Watch List broke 900,000 names this month, reducing to a statistical certainty the chances that anyone getting on a airplane will have some part of his or her name appearing on the Terror Watch List.

Only one person, apparently, is now free to fly unharassed, a mattress salesman from E. Lansing, Michigan name Fphermph Zyzzinztermphenianski.

“It’s great. Everyone asks me to hold their guns, swords, dynamite and liquor whenever I fly. While TSA agents are beating and extorting blow jobs from them, I sail to my seat. I get a buck for every item I hold for people who manage to negotiate the security gauntlet,” Mr. Zyzzinztermphenianski told Cynics’ Party reporters visiting him at the Slumberama and Liquor Mart in E. Lansing this week.

Of course, there are some big babies out there, America hating Al Qaeda-huggers just begging for a good long Americanish waterboarding session who don’t think it’s a good idea that everyone in America except for a man named Fphermph can get on a plane without chewing the smegma off of a TSA agent’s genitals. Like those people at the ACLU who are getting all weepy that there’s a million individuals whose full names are on the Terrorist Watch List.

ACLU put up a website about people who, we are supposed to be shocked, had a hard time getting on a plane - when every patriotic American knows there is no hardship too great to bear while America is at war with everyone, everywhere who doesn’t help America wage war everywhere against everyone who doesn’t fucking get it that no one will be free until most of us are dead. Cynics’ Party reporters looked at the list and found most of the characters detained by the TSA were the kind of reprehensible traitors who deserve to be beaten randomly.

Senator Ted Kennedy - Democrat. From Massachusetts. Terrorism Suspicion Quotient (TSQ): Extreme.

President Evo Morales - President of Bolivia. Spoke with Hugo Chavez once. Terrorism Suspicion Quotient (TSQ): Extreme.

John William Anderson - Little Kid (age 6) from Minnesota. Failed to vote Republican or donate funds or services to the RNC in excess of $1000. Terrorism Suspicion Quotient (TSQ): Extreme.

The Watch List has been controversial. Some 15,000 people have requested their names be taken off the list but mysteriously, none of them ever returned the paperwork forwarded to them by the TSA. “No mystery. They’re all in Gitmo, the ones we didn’t just toast right away. Who would want to be taken off that list but a terrorist? Duh,” said Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff.

Asked if any of those 15,000 could actually have been wrongly identified as terrorists, Chertoff pulled out a Glock 29 and stuffed into the left eye socket of a Cynics’ Party editor and asked, “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? You’ve got to get the right attitude about things. The New and Improved Terrorist Watch List will allow for entirely new forms of public agency entrepreneurialism.”

Chertoff explained that since everyone except Mr. Zyzzinztermphenianski was suspect, TSA agents could negotiate consideration - maybe a few dollars, or perhaps a little carnal entertainment - for their efforts in expediting the travelers’ admission to their airplanes, a very desirable franchise that DHS could auction off to the highest bidders. “Now we don’t even have to pay wages. Now DHS is actually getting paid and helping to reduce the federal deficit. That’s the kind of forward thinking you’ll never see from the Democrats who are preparing to hand over the country to the Jihadi and Lesbian stormtroopers.”