So the Fed (that means us taxpayers) bailed out Bear Stearns.  The Fed guaranteed about $30 billion worth of Bear’s share of Big Shitpile, and we all know how that will turn out. Markets around the world are tanking, and the golden parachutes are thick above Wall Street.  If you own oil or gold or Euros (or if your last name is Bush) you might get through this.  If you own anything else, especially Bear Stearns shares, you are fucked:

Bear Stearns Cos. reached an agreement to sell itself to J.P. Morgan Chase & Co., as worries grew that failing to find a buyer for the beleaguered investment bank could cause the crisis of confidence gripping Wall Street to worsen.

The deal calls for J.P. Morgan to pay $2 a share in a stock-swap transaction, with J.P. Morgan Chase exchanging 0.05473 share of its common stock for each Bear Stearns share. Both companies’ boards have approved the transaction, which values Bear Stearns at just $236 million based on the number of shares outstanding as of Feb. 16. At Friday’s close, Bear Stearns’s stock-market value was about $3.54 billion. It finished at $30 a share in 4 p.m. New York Stock Exchange composite trading Friday.

Keep in mind that the stock closed at around 88 bucks a share on December 31st of last year.  More good news after the jump.

And what if you work for Bear Stearns? You’re probably out of a job, and there’s a cherry on top of that cake too!

The pain could be most acute for Bear Stearns’s employees, who are steeped in a culture of personal ownership — and hold about a third of the firm’s shares outstanding. 

But wait!  The Dear Leader came out a few minutes ago and said everything is fine!

First of all, the Secretary has given me an update.  One thing is for certain — we’re in challenging times.  But another thing is for certain — that we’ve taken strong and decisive action.  The Federal Reserve has moved quickly to bring order to the financial markets.  Secretary Paulson has been — is supportive of that action, as am I.  And I want to thank you, Mr. Secretary, for working over the weekend.  You’ve shown the country and the world that the United States is on top of the situation.

…

In the long run, our economy is going to be fine.  Right now we’re dealing with a difficult situation and, Mr. Secretary, I want to thank you very much for your steady and strong and consistent leadership.

Remind you of anything?  Heckuva job Paulie!