NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams has been hospitalized for severe embarrassment, shock and, doctor’s fear, terminal mortification after Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton interrupted him with the interjection, “hold the line, snuggybuns,” during an interview at a campaign whistlestop in Elizabeth, NJ .

Clinton had finished a beer chugging contest Thursday afternoon with 133 members of Labor’s International Union Local No. 392 during a whistlestop in her “I Lift My Leg to Fart Tour” of middle America when Williams tracked her down at Shack’s Barbeque on Grant Street where she was trading belches with other diners and pretending to laugh.

With typical aplomb, Clinton answered every question Williams proffered with a reference to her credentials as America’s own White Power Candidate, the Aryan Shegod who can protect this battered nation’s White People and lead them to a new, safer and whiter future. Then her cell phone rang. As Williams started his next question, Clinton held up a hand and said, “Hold the line, Snuggybuns. It’s L’il Abner. Hope he hasn’t gotten his cigar caught someplace again” before turning to answer the phone with a loving greeting to her husband, Bill, “Hey, asshole, who you fucking this morning? Something that walks on two legs, I hope.”

The crowd that had gathered around Williams and Clinton gasped as Williams turned a sickly pale white, began to shake, held his hands up to the sides of his head and finally fell to the floor moaning. “Ohmigod! The lady killed him with disdain for his sexual dignity,” a small girl shouted as the crowd formed into a frightened mob and ran for the exits screaming, crying and shoving each other in mortal terror. Clinton finished her call, lit a filterless Pall Mall cigarette and walked out of the restaurant to a waiting limousine, pausing only momentarily to flick an ash on Williams’ quivering body.

Doctors at Trinitas Hospital give Williams a 50-50 chance of recovering his self-respect. Even if he does recover, said Dr. Mathias Bosch, “he will probably never be the same. This kind of casual endearment is the kind of psychosexual violence that scars for life. Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer’s landlady called him ‘Pumpkin’ before he took to cannibalism? Think about it.”

Clinton’s offensive treatment of Williams is just the latest display of sexually oppressive language from the corps of presidential candidates. Earlier in the week, Senator Obama was vilified for asking a Detrot newspaper reporter, “Hold on one second, sweetie, we’re going to do — we’ll do a press avail,” when she pressed for an interview about industrial policy.

Republican Presumptive Presidential Candidate John ‘Psychogeezer’ McCain has been able to avoid controversy thus far in his campaign by getting most all of his facts completely wrong (confusing Shia with Sunni insurgent groups, for example), by predicting America will occupy Iraq for 100 years, by breaking campaign finance laws, accepting the endorsement of an Armageddonist preacher and, most importantly, addressing everyone as ’sir’ or ‘ma’am.’