The brain-damaged screeners at Transportation Security Administration will be getting honest-to-goodness real life badges which they can flash at passengers to demand oral sex and bribes, convincing the really stupid ones that they have some kind of arrest powers.

The TSA Screeners Association and Delousing Fraternity had been lobbying for replicas of 18th century Austrian cavalry uniforms, replete with cross-straps, insignia cords, cumberbunds and tasseled parade drops. All they got was a blue shirt with epaulets and a badge, according to a report from USAToday last week.

The TSA goons at BWI got their new gear in April, according to the report, and their brethren fuckwits at Reagan National got theirs last week. Oh, they will be the baddest of the bad now. The guys can just attach the badges to their crotches and strut around directing passengers through excruciatingly overpowered bullhorns to note their impressive new regalia.

The TSA supremos think that passengers will be less likely to mistake TSA screeners for brain-damaged losers and therefore less likely to argue with them, insult them, spit on them, urinate on them, heckle them, curse them, punch them and throw them across the terminal. Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahaha.

A.J. Castilla, a screener at Boston’s Logan Airport and a spokesman for a screeners union, is eager to get a badge, according to USAToday. “It’ll go a long way to enhance the respect of this workforce,” he said. Oh, yes, we’re all sure the passengers will lining up on their knees to behold the power and the glory of the piece of tin pinned to your shirt, you demented fucktard.