Insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak and White House adviser Ted Haggard [praying for Jesus to blow a load on his face, left], founder of the New Life Church in Colorado, continued his pathetic attempt at reputation repair by circulating a limited hang-out story that he isn’t an insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak but an insane gaybashing fascist sexually addicted meth-whore Jesus freak.

Ooooh, that’s different. Hey, guy, sorry, we mistook your sexuality but, hey, spending all your time and money on wild sex romps with male prostitutes, well, we hope you can find it in your Christian heart to forgive us our misunderstanding.

Last we heard, Meth-Head Ted had been banished to Phoenix to undergo five years of degayifying programming at the hands of some Jesus freaks, perhaps assfucking him non-stop until he is so sated with gay sex he just wants to try something else, at least while other people are in the room or when there are TV cameras around. Something like that. Anyway, Meth-Head Ted couldn’t take it any more and quit the program and moved back to Colorado Springs where everyone apparently stops in the street, points at him and screams, “Oh, fuck! It’s the insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak Ted Haggard. Run for your fucking life!”

Time for some image management, perhaps finding a way to interpret a three year Republican-style secret gay sexcapade with a male prostitute as something other than a normal gay cash-for-gay-sex relationship. To that end, former White House spiritual adviser Meth-Head Ted engineered the leak of one of his emails to the local Colorado Springs TV stations, KRDO, through one Kurt Serpe, an alleged friend of the family in which Meth-Head Ted admits to receiving only a single handjob from Denver gay hooker Mike Jones.

Serpe, wonder of wonders, manages to spin that little confession into proof that MethHead Ted is NOT gay, as if asking to go to a man for a massage, popping a rip snorter and begging the guy to whack you off is like an accident or something, like bumping into a lady on the elevator at work, smelling her hair and getting a gumby, you know, just what happens to people in close quarters.

“[MethHead Ted] craved sex, he was a sexaholic,” and that it had nothing to do with homosexuality, but more about masturbation and gratification.

Serpe told KRDO that, “[MethHead Ted] craved sex, he was a sexaholic,” and that it had nothing to do with homosexuality, but more about masturbation and gratification. “This is something that he has been struggling with all of his life,” Serpe told KRDO. He says Haggard told him the relationship lasted only three-months, not three years.

Of course, Haggard didn’t return phone calls from KRDO because they’d point out all sorts of obvious inconsistencies in his stories, make fun of him, ask him if he blew President Bush at the White House and then ask him to react to 10,000 details gay hooker Mike Jones has related about their sexcapades like, “Do you feel closer to Jesus when you are stuffing your tongue in a guy’s asshole?”