For those of you who are doing the American thing and taking the day off tomorrow, have a great Fourth. I’ll be skipping the events because I’m protesting the marginalization of American Patriot Ron Paul, and because I have to work.

But don’t worry, I already loved my country all over on America Day (I dressed as No Child Left Behind by pasting an infant to my right ass cheek), described here by Creed, from the Office.

Anyway, one day, Sammy Che (as we call him) was walking with Midgy (as he called his bear) and stumbled upon a rock formation that looked like an eagle soaring through the air with a flag waving behind it. I’m guessing that Sammy Che was tripping pretty hard that day, so who knows what the rock formation actually looked like. All we know is that Sammy Che returned home and declared that day America Day. When I first met Sammy Che, it was the 20th anniversary of America Day and he showed me how the day is properly celebrated.

First, you wake up and immediately eat an apple. Why an apple? Because there’s nothing more American than an apple. The next step in a successful America Day is selecting the right costume. For the past five years, I’ve opted to dress as Henry Clay, one of the best greatest senators in American history. The costume is up to you, though. It should be somehow related to America’s greatness, but doesn’t have to be a person. I’ve seen Constitutions, watermelon, and a costume that illustrated America’s immigration policy from 1885-1921.

Once you’re in costume, it’s time to participate in the traditional parade entitled “America the Beautiful,” where everyone parades around in their costumes and throws hard candy at each other. The parade is my favorite part of America Day.

After the parade, everyone goes to the liquor store, buys a bunch of beer and drinks until they can’t say “Democracy.” It’s truly the greatest holiday we have. Next June 20th, everyone should give it a shot.

America! Living the dream!