[Editor's note: We introduce a new weekly feature this morning because the old one was boring us to tears. Although we had a great line prepared about Karl Rove as Celebrity Chum for Shark Week.]

A 79-year-old Oklahoma City man was killed Thursday when he was crushed in the front seat of his car.

By a church steeple.

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Ozark, Missouri cops blasted the living fuck out of a kid with their Tasers for failure ‘to comply’ with instructions after they found him sprawled out under a highway bridge with a broken back and heel.

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In what is either the greatest threat to Western civilization since fluoridation, or the solution to a Malthusian future where riots break out over suspiciously tasty green crackers, researchers have discovered a link between soy consumption and reduced male fertility.

And the soy industry is not taking it laying down.

Nigel Duffin, who runs the Soya Protein Association when he’s not moonlighting as lead guitar for Spinal Tap, claims the Harvard report fails to tell the whole load-blowing story:
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You’ll admit that summer has sucked as far as GOP perverts are concerned.  Hasn’t been much to post about, so I’m reduced to this:

Peter Hong, a longtime Republican operative in Minnesota, was arrested Wednesday afternoon on a charge of soliciting prostitution in St. Paul.

…

Hong has been in and out of the Republican side of Minnesota politics since the mid-1990s, when he surfaced as a genial bulldog campaign press secretary for former Sen. Rod Grams, R-Minn. He served as a spokesman for Gov. Tim Pawlenty’s campaign in 2002 and for the Bush-Cheney campaign in Minnesota in 2004.

Most recently, Hong was a point person for presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Gina Countryman, a spokeswoman for the Minnesota Republican Party, said Hong is not currently working for any Minnesota candidate.

Three diapers out of ten … if that. If Minnesota wants to stay on top they’ve got to give us more Larry Craig-type incidents.  Standards people!

GOP Stalwart Arrested in 2-Day St. Paul Prostitution Sting [Star Tribune]

This is an outrage. The obese as well as the LGBT community have it hard enough as it is without this kind of legalized segregation further complicating things. The people demand answers, Schwarzenegger!

California Is First State to Ban Trans Fats [New York Times]

Hey look! Someone’s comparing Obama to biblical figures again. This time the Times Online is drawing parallels between Barry and Jesus, or Moses, or Mary Magdalene, or whoever.
Here’s how it starts:

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

Then Barry Christ goes on to curse a fig tree and eat a burning bush and get killed by Mel Gibson or something. [Times Online]

Speaking of Leni Riefenstahl, which seemed unavoidable yesterday, remember the 2004 Olympics? The games featuring the debut of “free Iraq”? It made for great political theater, bringing an election-year tear to everyone’s eye.

Well, um, not this time.

No, the Iraqis haven’t been overcome by Free Tibet solidarity. Instead, they’re in a pissing match with the International Olympic Committee over the membership of their national committee. The Iraqi government replaced the IOC-approved committee after it failed to meet a quorum, and the IOC condemns such “political interference.”

Which, on most days, would be the punchline.

But not this day. As befits a country whose citizens now lead what John McCain calls “normal lives,” the fired committee failed to meet its quorum because four of its members were kidnapped two years ago and remain missing.

Iraqi Athletes ‘Unlikely’ to Compete at Olympics [NYT]

I didn’t even think that poor people were allowed to vote, and now the liberal media’s telling me that that bum I see making out with that other bum in the alley behind my house is allowed to participate in the electoral process. And some do-gooder in Denver is actually trying to get more homeless people to vote. Read the rest of this entry »

Robert ‘Novakula’ Novak’s Death ‘Vette was seen attempting a hasty getaway through the streets of DC on Wednesday after he slammed into a pedestrian, leaving him sprawled at the intersection of K and 18th Streets.

WJLA reported one eyewitness, Gary Cohen, said one bystander was pounding on Novakula’s Death ‘Vette screaming at the neocon psychopath after he’d run over Don Lilkenquist, an old man who lives in a local homeless shelter, howling at him to stop - until Novakula punched the go juice and attempted to run him over, too.

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We’re having a hard time finding something to piss us off at the moment, and we really don’t want to resort to Mystery Paultard Rock Stars, so let’s type “outrage” into Google News and see what turns up:

The parent of teen Wiffle ball player expressed outrage yesterday…

See? Right there — right there — our faith in America is restored. As long as it’s still possible, in the year of our fucking lord 2008, to start a sentence like that without pitching it to the Onion, we just might yet regain our virginity as a nation.

Okay, so it’s Connecticut. But still.

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