It’s time someone took a stand for children’s right not to be forced into this kind of thing by corn-loving grown ups. We will take that stand. This will be our cause.

In case you’ve been in a coma or something all day long and didn’t hear, Congress failed to pass the $700 billion Wall Street bailout today - quite the surprise - and nobody thought it a secret from the day traders. Soo… the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 777 points today, the largest single day point drop in the history of time. There’s a silver lining here though. Since seven is just about the luckiest number there is, things have go to be looking up from here.

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John McCain (left) spews insane gibberish while Barack Obama (right) tries to get a word in edgewise.

This is not meant to be partisan, it’s just a fact: every time John McCain opens his mouth, somewhere, a new-born baby kitten is smashed to death with a giant rubber mallet. It’s true. I’ve been watching it happen all night. The only thing more punishing than watching that debate is watching that debate while trying to be funny on a live blog.The teevee pundits (minus that libtard whiner Olbermann) all agree that Old Out to Lunch walked away with the victory even though Obama managed to seem more presidential. And they’re right.

Let’s face it. Seeming like a statesman isn’t exactly a feat when you’re sharing a stage with Assy McGeezer while he’s waving his arms and shouting about how a diplomatic mission to Iran would precipitate a second Holocaust. Anyone whose ever been shouted down by a crazy old relative at the Thanksgiving table knows how Obama must be feeling tonight. No doubt he’s right now telling Michelle something along the lines of, “I swear I would have punched him, but he’s just so fucking old.”

But, in the end I think this is probably a net gain for Obama. Next time he’ll know that McCain is going to come out swinging - and by swinging, I mean obsessively ranting about earmarks while drool dribbles out the right side of his mouth. McCain’s not going to top this performance and when he’s still saying the same things he said tonight three weeks from now, he’ll have revealed himself to be more-or-less a one trick – that trick being the oldest living survivor of the Jackson admistration.

Barry’s gotta step it up a little bit though. And if McCain is going to continue to be this crazy and condescending, politeness alone isn’t going to do the trick. He has to up the irony and the sarcasm. Tonight everyone thought Barry was going to be the condescending one. He doesn’t have to be a dick, but our buddy from Chicago definitely needs to start making fun Old Straight Talk a little bit. Get the laughs Barry, and you’ll get the White House.

And Now, Cynics Party proudly presents the Debate in America Live blog.

9:00 pm - Just a minute away. Wolf Blitzer is talking. Jim Lehrer is going to be there. He’s going to be asking questions supposedly about National Security, but who is going to talk about that while the economy is tanking? Nobody, that’s who. McCain has been in DC “getting things done” all week long to make up for the fact that he’s terrible on the economy and Obama is going to be making him look really really old. HERE WE GO!

Editors Note: Your Lead Cynic Greg Wasserstrom is basically illiterate. Right now, he’s dictating this post to a team of trained monkeys, so if there are spelling or grammatical errors, or entire words missing, or entire passages are completely incoherent, that’s why. Just remember, it’s all for you. So appreciate what you’ve been given and cut me some fucking slack!

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At tonight’s debate, both candidates will be grilled on their commitment to the Union, temperance, and a Pacific Railroad.

Editors Note: Your Lead Cynic Greg Wasserstrom is basically illiterate. Right now, he’s dictating this post to a team of trained monkeys, so if there are spelling or grammatical errors, or entire words missing, or entire passages are completely incoherent, that’s why. Just remember, it’s all for you. So appreciate what you’ve been given and cut me some fucking slack!

Well, it’s T minus 55 minutes and counting until the first Presidential debate commences, and the big news is that John McCain has in fact decided to show up. I’ve been watching Chris Matthews coverage on MSNBC but now they’ve just switched to that miserable communist Keith Olbermann, so I’ll be switching over to CNN riiiiiight aboooouut… now.

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Tonight! Two of the nation’s foremost minds The Republican and the Democratic candidates for president will tonight participate in the most hallowed of America’s perfunctory election-year rituals: the presidential debate! I recently signed up for cable and the benefits will trickle down (as such benefits naturally do) to you, my fair Cynics, in the form of live, minute-by-minute commentary of the proceedings. Tonight! 9 pm eastern standard time! Be there, or at least be somewhere better.

Bipartisan negotiations on the proposed $700 billion Wall Street bailout reached a stalemate last night after House Republicans, widely believed to be acting on behalf of John McCain, raised last minute objections to the plan. McCain is supposedly stalling the talks to avoid debating Barack Obama.

Personally, I don’t think John McCain is scared of debating anyone. As he constantly reminds us, McCain spent five and a half years in Vietnamese prison. A war hero like him isn’t afraid of a little deficit in the polls and he certainly has no reason to fear a debate.

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Wow, we can post again! In the process of fixing things it also seems like we lost some of the last few posts. Thanks to Google Cache, it looks like we’ll be able to salvage almost everything although there might be some craziness with the comments in the next few hours as evidenced by the random Ghosts of Comments Past under this post. We’ll let you know once we’ve successfully soothed our savage databeast.

Is it just me, or is old, white, somewhat racist Joe Biden completely adorable?

On Monday he walked into a Ford plant in Macomb County, Mich., jumped behind the wheel of a red Mustang convertible and let loose with a few satisfying vroom-vrooms of the engine.

In Mansfield, Ohio, on Thursday, Mr. Biden made an improvisational stop at a diner, shook a bunch of hands and walked out into the sun holding a vanilla ice cream cone. “I’m dripping here, man,” Mr. Biden said to a well-wisher as he headed across the street to a carousel.
“Am I too old to get on it?” he asked no one in particular, then headed back to his campaign bus.
“Anyone need a ride?” he asked some people standing nearby. “I’ve got a nice bus.”

Also, he tapped a reporter’s chest, telling him, ‘You need to work on your pecs.’

Forget Barry, this guy’s the one I want. Relatable (which I put in italics due to the usual contempt I feel for a word people use when they talk about how they want to elect someone who’s as stupid as they are) and competent (that’s the kicker, right there). [The New York Times]

U.S. Drafts Sweeping Plan to Fight Crisis As Turmoil Worsens in Credit Markets [WSJ]