At tonight’s debate, both candidates will be grilled on their commitment to the Union, temperance, and a Pacific Railroad.

Editors Note: Your Lead Cynic Greg Wasserstrom is basically illiterate. Right now, he’s dictating this post to a team of trained monkeys, so if there are spelling or grammatical errors, or entire words missing, or entire passages are completely incoherent, that’s why. Just remember, it’s all for you. So appreciate what you’ve been given and cut me some fucking slack!

Well, it’s T minus 55 minutes and counting until the first Presidential debate commences, and the big news is that John McCain has in fact decided to show up. I’ve been watching Chris Matthews coverage on MSNBC but now they’ve just switched to that miserable communist Keith Olbermann, so I’ll be switching over to CNN riiiiiight aboooouut… now.

8:10 pm - Okay, so I have to admit that I have not been even vaguely paying attention to this business for like the past six months. So let me tell you waht a shock it comes to me to hear Christian Amanpour say that “Everyone all over the world knows that John McCain has the experience when it comes to foreign policy,” and some other chick say something like, “Tonight, Barack Obama has to prove he’s ready to be president.” Oh? When, may I ask, did that happen? I must have missed something really significant, because as far as I can tell, the only thing that’s changed is that McCain added Tina Fey to his ticket and has had a real hard time making his appointments this week, this debate included.

8:20 pm - CNN just came back from commercial break and has a bunch of distinguished looking people talking about American foreign policy but here’s problem: they’re all foreigns on account of their accents and therefore don’t get a say in what goes on here in the most important nation of America. Get these illegals off my screen and give more airtime to hardworking American pundits.

Ah, ok, this guy’s an American. Only he’s John King so I still dont care.

8:22 pm - Phew. I just muted the teevee and man oh man is it relaxing. I just wanted to take a moment to muse on the location selected for this debate: Ole Miss in Oxford, Mississippi. Can anyone guess why that’s an ironic name for a Mississippi college town? If your guess has anything to do with how Ole Miss stacks up against Oxford University, then, congratulations! You’re a sharp one. Back when I was watching the MSNBC pregame, Chris Matthews was talking to the president of the school and the guy was totally stoked to tell America that his school was picked to be a debate site because it once was really racist but it isn’t anymore! And see, that’s extra significant this time around on account of there’s a black running for president! Thanks Mr President! Without that clarification, I would have totally spent all night wondering why the fuck I’m watching anything being broadcast from Mississippi!

8:27 pm - Prescient observation: “The President wishes there wasn’t an economic crisis, both for his legacy and for the country.”

8:38 pm - Wolf Blitzer has proudly unveiled CNN’s special “edge” over the other networks tonight: Hi Def live pundit scorecards on the side of the screen. You can know in real time if Donna Brazile or John King think Barry O missed an opportunity or if they think McCain is gonna blow his top.

8:41 pm - Soledad O’Brien is going to be hanging out with a focus group in Ohio, which, as John King explains, is comprised of the 30 people who will decide this election in November.

8:51 pm - MCCAIN TOO HOT!! OBAMA TOO COLD!! And, wives take the stage.

8:55 pm - THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE ON THESE CANDIDATES, WHO CAN EVEN THINK WHAT THEY ARE GOING THRU??/ THE PRESSURE. THE PRESSURE!!!

Debate live blog here!