The GOP crime wave has bankrupted America, destroyed Iraq’s economy and infrastructure and now apparently menaces even San Bernardino, California as, county prosecutors allege, Republican operatives have co-opted the San Bernardino County assessor’s office and turned into part of the local GOP campaign machine, hiring phalanxes of goons to spend all their time on the office phones and computers chasing contributions.

Prosecutors are apparently circling in for the kill, putting the cuffs on one of the alleged GOP bag men allegedly employed by the assessor’s office, Adam Aleman [above], and charging him with six felonies, including presenting false evidence to a county grand jury and destroying public records, according to the Associated Press.

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Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is running around promising theocratic hooligans that he’ll not only continue to throw money at corrupt horrors like the Office of Faith Based Initiatives but expand the Jesus-crazy nonsense in ways that will only accelerate the descent of the United States into a dark-ages dystopia ruled by superstition, fear and hate.

The stupid fucking guy showed up in Zanesville, Ohio today and gave a speech promising to build a larger complex of Jesus programs than Caligutard’s that will be tended to by larger numbers of Jesus crazies in the Federal government - at a time when any serious candidate with a commitment to a secular government would be addressing the terror of Jesusfied federal civil and military administrations.

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Failed first gentleman Bill ‘L’il Abner’ Clinton is reportedly all fucking weepy and needy and outraged that Senator Unicorn hasn’t called to apologize for calling out the Clinton campaign for the Atwater-esque White Power theatrics L’il Abner and Ma Clinton hurled at the Senator from Illinois during the primaries campaign.

One piece today in the UK Telegraph relates that L’il Abner is so “bitter” about Hilbot 9000’s loss that he is stomping around huffing and puffing that Obama is going to have to “kiss my ass” for his official seal of approval, naturally the most important thing in the world because everyone knows that every race involving a Democrat is just a referendum on whether or not one of the Clintons gives a fuck who you are and shows up at your fucking bean supper.

At first we thought, oh, boo-fucking-hoo, Bill feels he is just so tight with the Brothers and Sisters, it just bwoke his widdoo heart that a melanin-enhanced Senator Unicorn would point out the fact that the Hilbot 9000 Campaign and its proxies (including L’il Abnder) were making all kinds of noises pigeonholing Senator Unicorn variously as: a trivial black protest candidate; a young huckster trying to cash in on the young gifted and black thing; and a reputed though as yet unconfirmed Muslim fanatic ready to convert America to Islam at gunpoint the second he is inaugurated. Finally, Hilbot 9000 just came out and started ranting, fuck, I am the White Power candidate and you must vote for me because, of course, White America is so foamingly racist they will lynch Senator Unicorn at the polls.

Can they really be waiting for an apology from Senator Unicorn?

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Adulterous Republican Congressman Vito Fossella (R-N.Y.) dodged his hearing this week on charges of drunk driving that led to the discovery of this scum ball’s secret life, including the woman and their daughter he forgot to tell his wife and his constituents about. Fossella [left], Congressman for New York’s 13th District, got his hearing date moved out to August 28, apparently so he can appear tanned for his conviction.

Meanwhile. the Staten Island Republicans have been in complete chaos trying to find a replacement thug to run for Fossella’s seat this fall. Frank Powers, the guy they picked, had a heart attack and was buried last week. His son, Robert John, was arrested and dragged off after yelling at his step-mother at his father’s funeral. Another son, Francis, a singer with a punk band called ‘Box of Crayons’ declared candidacy for the seat fronting a party of his own charter, the Free Party. Ah, yes, another reminder of those rock solid Republican family values.

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Insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak and White House adviser Ted Haggard [praying for Jesus to blow a load on his face, left], founder of the New Life Church in Colorado, continued his pathetic attempt at reputation repair by circulating a limited hang-out story that he isn’t an insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak but an insane gaybashing fascist sexually addicted meth-whore Jesus freak.

Ooooh, that’s different. Hey, guy, sorry, we mistook your sexuality but, hey, spending all your time and money on wild sex romps with male prostitutes, well, we hope you can find it in your Christian heart to forgive us our misunderstanding.

Last we heard, Meth-Head Ted had been banished to Phoenix to undergo five years of degayifying programming at the hands of some Jesus freaks, perhaps assfucking him non-stop until he is so sated with gay sex he just wants to try something else, at least while other people are in the room or when there are TV cameras around. Something like that. Anyway, Meth-Head Ted couldn’t take it any more and quit the program and moved back to Colorado Springs where everyone apparently stops in the street, points at him and screams, “Oh, fuck! It’s the insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak Ted Haggard. Run for your fucking life!”

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