John McCain (left) spews insane gibberish while Barack Obama (right) tries to get a word in edgewise.

This is not meant to be partisan, it’s just a fact: every time John McCain opens his mouth, somewhere, a new-born baby kitten is smashed to death with a giant rubber mallet. It’s true. I’ve been watching it happen all night. The only thing more punishing than watching that debate is watching that debate while trying to be funny on a live blog.The teevee pundits (minus that libtard whiner Olbermann) all agree that Old Out to Lunch walked away with the victory even though Obama managed to seem more presidential. And they’re right.

Let’s face it. Seeming like a statesman isn’t exactly a feat when you’re sharing a stage with Assy McGeezer while he’s waving his arms and shouting about how a diplomatic mission to Iran would precipitate a second Holocaust. Anyone whose ever been shouted down by a crazy old relative at the Thanksgiving table knows how Obama must be feeling tonight. No doubt he’s right now telling Michelle something along the lines of, “I swear I would have punched him, but he’s just so fucking old.”

But, in the end I think this is probably a net gain for Obama. Next time he’ll know that McCain is going to come out swinging - and by swinging, I mean obsessively ranting about earmarks while drool dribbles out the right side of his mouth. McCain’s not going to top this performance and when he’s still saying the same things he said tonight three weeks from now, he’ll have revealed himself to be more-or-less a one trick – that trick being the oldest living survivor of the Jackson admistration.

Barry’s gotta step it up a little bit though. And if McCain is going to continue to be this crazy and condescending, politeness alone isn’t going to do the trick. He has to up the irony and the sarcasm. Tonight everyone thought Barry was going to be the condescending one. He doesn’t have to be a dick, but our buddy from Chicago definitely needs to start making fun Old Straight Talk a little bit. Get the laughs Barry, and you’ll get the White House.

And Now, Cynics Party proudly presents the Debate in America Live blog.

9:00 pm - Just a minute away. Wolf Blitzer is talking. Jim Lehrer is going to be there. He’s going to be asking questions supposedly about National Security, but who is going to talk about that while the economy is tanking? Nobody, that’s who. McCain has been in DC “getting things done” all week long to make up for the fact that he’s terrible on the economy and Obama is going to be making him look really really old. HERE WE GO!

Editors Note: Your Lead Cynic Greg Wasserstrom is basically illiterate. Right now, he’s dictating this post to a team of trained monkeys, so if there are spelling or grammatical errors, or entire words missing, or entire passages are completely incoherent, that’s why. Just remember, it’s all for you. So appreciate what you’ve been given and cut me some fucking slack!

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At tonight’s debate, both candidates will be grilled on their commitment to the Union, temperance, and a Pacific Railroad.

Editors Note: Your Lead Cynic Greg Wasserstrom is basically illiterate. Right now, he’s dictating this post to a team of trained monkeys, so if there are spelling or grammatical errors, or entire words missing, or entire passages are completely incoherent, that’s why. Just remember, it’s all for you. So appreciate what you’ve been given and cut me some fucking slack!

Well, it’s T minus 55 minutes and counting until the first Presidential debate commences, and the big news is that John McCain has in fact decided to show up. I’ve been watching Chris Matthews coverage on MSNBC but now they’ve just switched to that miserable communist Keith Olbermann, so I’ll be switching over to CNN riiiiiight aboooouut… now.

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Tonight! Two of the nation’s foremost minds The Republican and the Democratic candidates for president will tonight participate in the most hallowed of America’s perfunctory election-year rituals: the presidential debate! I recently signed up for cable and the benefits will trickle down (as such benefits naturally do) to you, my fair Cynics, in the form of live, minute-by-minute commentary of the proceedings. Tonight! 9 pm eastern standard time! Be there, or at least be somewhere better.

I want to take a moment to introduce you, my fair cynics, to my brother Eric. He’s ten years older than me and born role-model. He’s a gentleman and a scholar, a prodigy, a pillar of stability in these uncertain times. And while he certainly got the better genes when it comes to brains and ambition, well, those things have never amounted to much when it comes to getting laid — at lest compared to his strapping younger brother. In any case, true to form, he’s his blogosphere debut at no less a respectable venue than the New York Times. Check it out here, and, for my sake, go easy on him.

On the Financial Crisis: It’s not just weak oversight [New York Times]