Cynics, put down your politics for a second! Big news!

I want to direct your attention to the newly launched intelligentpeople.com, a dating website for only the best and brightest. To become a member, you must first take their online IQ test and score within the top 15% of the population. Once you pass the test (or cheat your way through) you can create a dating profile and post those fake hottie photos of “yourself”.

Intelligentpeople.com is much more than just a cheesy niche dating site, I’m afraid. It is in fact the harbinger of a new wave of eugenics, that evil EvolutionistNazi practice that Ben Stein has been trying to warn us all about in his new film, Expelled. Soon eugenics fever will sweep the nation! Starting today, the intelligent will be exclusively dating smarties, leaving the rest of you lumbering oafs to mate with your fellow half-wits while reading The Cynics’ Party.

You can guess the rest from here. Splitting of the human race, humans being hunted for sport, more terrible “red state, blue state” jokes. Grisly stuff. Why oh why did we not heed Ben Stein’s brilliant documentary, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed?! In theaters now.

As we have seen time and time again this election season, SurveyUSA has been the most reliable of pollsters. When shit-for-brains polling firms like Zogby and Rasmussen dropped the ball on the California primary, the hero pollsters at SUSA saved the day and projected a Clinton victory. Basically these guys have been spot on all season.

As such, I am pleased as punch to announce a new survey by the poll-kings at SUSA. They’re reporting that 6 percent of Americans have been victims of a rick roll. Only 6 percent? That’s disappointing. Even worse, it seems that the elderly have been disproportionately affected; a mere 3 percent of our nation’s seniors have been rick rolled. If you factor in the margin of error, that number could drop to negative .2 percent of old folks!

Why are these numbers so low? What can we do as a nation to spread the word? Should we get the old Band Aid groups that brought us “We Are The World” and “Do They Know It’s Christmas” back together?

Should we be emailing gram-gram and pop-pop to get the message out, or is this fad too intensive for the elderly? Does it give them seizures like Gnarls Barkley’s Run? Are those 3 percent actually the survivors?

What are King Barry and Lady President’s plans to address this critical issue?

All these questions and more answered after the jump.

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Photo by Flickr user tonguetiedandtwisted.

Cynics, prepare to get a smidge more cynical. The Washington Times recently reported that 71 percent of Americans think that politicians “embellish the truth”. Shock of the season, amiright?

Being the aspiring blogster that I am, I went and read the entire article (2 whole pages!) to get the story behind the story. The article said something about snipers and Lady Presidents and Rezkos or something. What the story fails to mention is how that 71 percent stacks up against other professions. Without proper context, these findings are meaningless. Fortunately, I’ve got buckets of context.

Join me below the fold and see just how many people think that line cooks and pornbloggers “embellish the truth”.
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Howdy cynics! It’s Matt Kent again and today is April 2^nd. In case you didn’t realize it, yesterday was April Fool’s Day. This of course means at some point yesterday, you were pranked. Oh, you didn’t notice it? It was just like any other day? You should probably rethink your day then, because you almost certainly got played. Just consider:

• Remember that kindly old lady who needed help crossing the street? That was Johnny Knoxville.
• That three car pileup on the way home from work? That has Ashton Kutcher written all over it.
• That voicemail you got from your sister? That was Rick Astley. How did you not realize it when you got Rick Roll’d?
• That Nigerian prince who needed your bank information? Incredibly, it was actually a Nigerian prince! I’m rich!

Oddly enough, the April first festivities reached all the way to the presidential campaign. Join me after the jump for a closer look. Read the rest of this entry »