Republican Sen. Larry Craig got caught toe-tapping for hot gay sex in an airport mens room. He didn’t quit. Republican Sen. David Vitter got caught fucking hookers. He didn’t quit. Democrat Gov. Eliot Spitzer got caught fucking hookers. He quit. See a pattern here?

That was why it was very difficult for me to believe reports that Vito Fossella, Republican congressman from New York, was going to give up his House seat after: a) being pulled over for driving with more than twice the blood-alcohol level permitted, and b) admitting he had a second family (girlfriend + baby) in addition to his first family (wife + 3 kids). Yesterday rumors were flying - Vito was going to resign by Monday.

Turns out I was worried for no reason - in the grand GOP tradition, Vito is going to pull a Vitter:

Defying disgusted constituents and angry Republican leaders, disgraced Rep. Vito Fossella has told pals he plans to seek re-election.

And, shockingly, the Staten Island pol is feeling “pretty good,” he confided to friends.

“I got every indication that he’s planning to run again,” said Guy Molinari, Fossella’s mentor, who’s been in close contact with the embattled, 43-year-old politician.

Well, he certainly needs his job - all those child-support payments he’ll have to make ….

Defiant Vito: I Can Cheat and Run [NY Post]

Yes - I admit - I’ve enjoyed blogging about the rise and fall of Vito Fossella (R-NY). He’s a major-league shitbag who got caught driving drunk and, as it happens, has a second family just outside of DC (pictured). Now that’s GOP family values! And if you don’t believe the “shitbag” charge, get a load of this:

His socially conservative positions were in sync with his mostly white, heavily Roman Catholic district, which covers all of Staten Island and a small wedge of Brooklyn. He opposes abortion, favored President Bush’s tax cuts and voted with the Republicans 88 percent of the time last year, according to Congressional Quarterly.

Not enough for you? He also lied to his girlfriend - said he’d split with his wife.

Like any good Republican, Vito initially refused to resign. But now it appears he’ll be gone by Monday - perhaps, as Atrios said, to spend more time with his families.

Will there be any Republicans left next year?

UPDATE - More Republican family values:

The rich father and uncle of shame-faced, two-timing Staten Island Rep. Vito Fossella have been making sure his gal pal and love child are well taken care of in Virginia, sources close to the disgraced politician said yesterday.

“Uncle Frank and Vito Sr. were bankrolling the kid,” said one highly placed Republican official

Cheato Vito Kin Help Him Sin [NY Post]

Last week CP reported on Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY), who got caught driving drunk out of his mind in Northern Virginia. At the time, we noted that the scandal did not involve toe-tapping, hooker-fucking, auto-asphxiating, kid-touching, or cocksucking. But now we can at last give this scandal a place of honor on the David Vitter CP Sex Scandal Scale, or whatever the fuck it’s called:

Rep. Vito Fossella today admitted he fathered a love child in a longtime secret affair with the woman who rescued him from the drunk tank.

Fossella, who is married and has three children in New York, did not say if he would step down or seek re-election.

“I have had a relationship with Laura Fay, with whom I have a 3-year-old daughter,” Fossella said in a four paragraph statement.

Let’s see - we have a straight married guy fucking a straight unmarried woman for years, one love child, no known fetishes or unusual equipment, and nothing involving a public rest room or the exchange of cash. Degree of difficulty - not very high since his wife was in Staten Island most of the time. This is 5.5 diapers out of 10, and that might be generous. What say you?

Vito Fossella Admits He Has Love Child With Virginia Woman [NY Daily News]

Here in greater New York City state we have one, and only one, Republican in our congressional delegation. His name is Vito Fossella, and he’s a complete tool. We have the fuckwits over on Staten Island to thank for his presence in the House.

If you read this blog, you know that pretty much every Republican gets into trouble at some point. If it’s not one thing it’s another - toe-tapping, hooker-fucking, auto-asphxiating, kid-touching, cocksucking - it’s seldom boring. Vito didn’t manage to get caught fucking someone/something (there’s always tomorrow though - see update below), but he did manage to get a DWI by blowing more than twice the legal limit:

Staten Island Rep. Vito Fossella’s blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit when he was nabbed for drunken driving in Virginia - which may mean he is going to jail.

Fossella begged forgiveness from his family and constituents yesterday but would not say whether he plans to fight the charges.

More after the jump.

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Big, bloated, pill-popping, injection taking asshole Roger Clemens is currently lying in front of a group of Viagra-popping, cash injection taking assholes in the House of Representatives. Apparently he is claiming to have never taken drugs, even though he pitched successfully until he was 75 years old and his body has had all kinds of special, magical things happen to it over the years. He may be a little dumb too, saying things like “misremembered” and mispronouncing the last name of the former trainer whose accusations against him have been the equivalent of a 12 inch studded dildo shoved up his ass and spun around like a top. Which is why he needs the high-powered team behind him from the law firm of Toupee & The Jew to do all of the talking.

The sad thing is that Roger used to be kind of fuckable, in that arrogant asshole baseball player way, but unfortunately all of the ‘roids have probably shrunken his dick down to the size of…sorry, I haven’t taken the required Cynics’ Party contributors course for describing tiny penises from Prof. FlyingChainSaw. I guess you all can finish that thought. [Associated Press]

Now that everyone’s obsessed with the Presidential races, Congress has more time to pass legislation that bothers their constituents without anybody noticing. Today, the Senate passed the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act modernization bill — the one Bush mentioned in his State of the Union that had to get done before the old extension expired. Democrats have been “fighting” with Bush to keep a provision out of the bill that would provide immunity to phone companies that complied with the illegal warrantless wiretapping program and are facing lawsuits. Well, now that no one is actually paying attention to what Congress does because they’re all Barry! The Hills is alive! McCain! Huckatheocracy!, the Senate passed its version of the legislation providing that self-same immunity by a 69 to 29 vote and they’re fully expecting/demanding that the House do the same really soon before the program expires and The Terrorists Win.

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Various news outlets are reporting that California Congressman Tom Lantos succumbed to esophageal cancer this weekend at the Bethesda Naval Hospital. He was the only Holocaust survivor to serve in Congress, known for his commitment to human rights issues and served as the chair of a Committee (the House Foreign Affairs Committee, of course) for the first time in 2007. This is a picture of him and his wife Annette in happier times. We might be cynics over here, but we do recognize the good guys and he was one of ‘em. His seat will likely be filled come next January by former state legislator/Jonestown massacre survivor Jackie Speiers who has been trying to get to Congress since she got shot. I probably should like her, but she’s always seemed like a grasp-y politico type and Lantos never did.