Jessica Simpson is a vacuous crab louse swimming in an infected boil bursting forth from America’s fetid taint. So it makes sense that she recently signed up to “support the troops” by subjecting them her terrible, breathy and off-key warbling during a fabulous concert in Kuwait called - I shit you not - Operation MySpace. Because our boys and girls overseas haven’t been terrorized enough by the phony twang of a fake Texan chimp, J.Simp will twist that knife a little more. Considering the other “acts” will be the Pussycat Dolls, Carlos Mencia, and some bands called Disturbed and Filter (the kids nowadays and their crazy band names!), perhaps this is a diabolical government plot to increase the suicide rate enough to help our country not go broke providing long term medical care to our service people.

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Marty Kaplan at Huffington Post discusses the educational masterpiece that is Georgia’s public schools. When first grade students aren’t learning about rain dances, the beloved history of the confederate flag, and peach farming, they are learning about George W. Bush. One assignment for increasing their presidential knowledge involves making a Venn diagram that maps out the similarities between George Bush, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln. Kaplan points out the obvious problem here. For example , my diagram would have Washington and Lincoln’s circles closely linked together, and Bush on the far side of the paper, or actually, on another piece of paper on the far side of the room. This is not a case of comparing apples and oranges here. It’s apples and assholes. Read the rest of this entry »

Reagan Gazes into the eyes of Jesus Christ after strangling the Soviet Empire to death with an American flag.

On Valentines Day, we bring you a story a true love. Not love between two people mind you, but the greater, more complex kind of love that can form between a great leader and grateful nation. This is a story about Ronald Reagan and the American People, some of whom really, really love him.

A poll conducted by Harris Interactive found that Americans view Ronald Reagan as - ready? you may want to sit down - the best American president since World War II. Wait, it gets better. The same group voted George W. Bush the worst, which he is, a result we’d find heartening if we could somehow forget they said Reagan was the best. HEY AMERICA! GUESS WHAT? THEY’RE THE SAME IDIOT! We will parse results and demand accountability from Harris Interactive after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

As further evidence of their stellar planning abilities, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has finally found a use for all those trailers they bought after Hurricane Katrina (talk about an impulse buy!): they’re going to use them to house tornado victims in Arkansas! Turns out the trailers weren’t a weak and completely ad-hoc response to a major disaster by a grievously underprepared government agency after all! Who needs disaster plans when there are still plenty of trailers to go around? If you want to be proactive and protect your family before some unnecessarily destructive tragedy strikes, go ahead get yourself one today. These prices have to be seen to be believed. Just like the incompetence. [Associated Press]

Jesus-crazed Republican US Representative and president-stalker Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) was apparently staging another State of the Union address sexual assault on Boy Fuhrer George W Bush. People who own or live near televisions may remember the bizarre attack on Bush last year at the SOTU when Bachmann grabbed Bush’s hand, spun him on his heels and launched her vast furry tongue down his throat. A new plot to be hatched at this year’s SOTU was thwarted by fast-thinking US Secret Service agents earlier this month, equipped with tranquilizer guns and psychics.

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OJ Simpson is the American Dream. A guy who can barely tie his shoes leaves a career in pro football to become a horrific actor, daffy TV sports analyst, and pitch man for a rental car company to retire to a life of wanton excess and drug addled bacchanalia, punctuated by random violence and finally the beheading of his former trophy wife.

And he gets away with it, even though no one ever doubted he did it and giggled all through the blood orgy.

What could be sicker and more degenerate than living a life of permanent drugged out hysteria, ignoring your kids and beheading your ex-wife? Helping someone covert that kind of perfidy, get away with murder and then rake in the big bucks writing about it, that’ what.

And that is exactly what scumsucking camel felcher, Mike Gilbert, OJ’s former sports agent did, qualifying him for a FlyingChainSaw T-ball practice execution, you know, the one where we duct tape the reprobate to a chair and swing a Louisville slugger into his face until his teeth are sticking to the wall behind him? Yeah, that one. My personal fave. Mike, you will love it! Read the rest of this entry »