Forgive me Cynics for I have sucked. In the past month, I’ve only written one measly post here. What the fuck is wrong with me? Good question, it’s one I’ve been trying to answer myself. Tonight, after furious instant messaging sessions with my fellow wayward bloggers, Megan and Greg, I think I can finally explain why I’ve been having so much trouble showing up on this site.

Shit is bad right now. George W. Bush is still President, I’m feeling the full force of the recession, and my beloved hometown of New York has been taken over by an army of coked out fashion victims. Understandably, I’m pissed off about all of these things, but lately the anger has been affecting my writing. Everything is so screwed up and I want to talk about it all at once. Usually, this combination leaves me overwhelmed and exhausted.

Since I’m just in my early twenties, I feel semi-responsible for taking a major role to help fix this country of ours. It’s hard to stay inside and blog because a huge part of me feels like I should be out overthrowing the President. On the other hand, if I ran into the street right now and started raising hell it’d make for a pretty lonely revolution. I got into blogging thanks to the possibly misguided idea that it would help me become a foreign correspondent and make some kind of positive impact on the world one day. It doesn’t look like anybody’s going to send me to the Middle East any time soon, but in the meantime, I still feel like I need to be making a difference with all this web stuff I’m doing. It’s all a lot of pressure and it’s hard to know where to begin.

It would be good if I could focus more and worry less, but the hyperconnected millenial lifestyle has sadly left me with the attention span of a flea and an acute awareness of the world’s problems. I’m neurotic and crazy enough on my own, so I really need to unplug from the internet as much as possible, which is hard to do when you’re a ronin blogger. Thankfully, I’ve come up with a couple ways of contributing to the site that won’t involve me staying trapped in front of my computer. I’ll be able to tell you guys more soon. I’m also looking forward to being able to show you all the politics stuff that I managed to write while driving myself nuts and freelancing. Best of all, in ten days I’m beginning a new top-secret job that will give me some much needed stability and sanity. The internet almost ate me alive this summer, but the future is looking bright.

Insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak and White House adviser Ted Haggard [praying for Jesus to blow a load on his face, left], founder of the New Life Church in Colorado, continued his pathetic attempt at reputation repair by circulating a limited hang-out story that he isn’t an insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak but an insane gaybashing fascist sexually addicted meth-whore Jesus freak.

Ooooh, that’s different. Hey, guy, sorry, we mistook your sexuality but, hey, spending all your time and money on wild sex romps with male prostitutes, well, we hope you can find it in your Christian heart to forgive us our misunderstanding.

Last we heard, Meth-Head Ted had been banished to Phoenix to undergo five years of degayifying programming at the hands of some Jesus freaks, perhaps assfucking him non-stop until he is so sated with gay sex he just wants to try something else, at least while other people are in the room or when there are TV cameras around. Something like that. Anyway, Meth-Head Ted couldn’t take it any more and quit the program and moved back to Colorado Springs where everyone apparently stops in the street, points at him and screams, “Oh, fuck! It’s the insane gaybashing fascist gay meth-whore Jesus freak Ted Haggard. Run for your fucking life!”

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If you’re on Facebook, become a fan of Cynics’ Party!

If you’re not so into losing your anonymity, take a page from us fucking dykes at Jezebel (or from those Cynics who use gmail addresses that correspond to their user names) and create a Facebook account for the fake you, too. It’s ok. We won’t tell.

U.S. Bankruptcy Court Judge Robert Somma (a Boston resident) was picked up on a DUI charge in New Hampshire earlier this month, and resigned today. He didn’t resign because he was drinking and driving, but because he was driving away from a gay bar after having been drinking while wearing a cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels. The arresting officer knew he was drunk because Judge Somma had difficulty removing his drivers license from his wallet that he was, naturally, carrying in his purse.

Per our friend SanFranLefty, who sent us the story from AboveTheLaw, “I wish there were photos so we could critique the ensemble and the shoes. Fishnets are pretty daring, given the winter snow in New Hampshire” Sadly for us, Somma’s mug shot was only from the neck up, but some things can luckily be improvised.

Federal judge guilty in Manchester DWI [Manchester Union-Leader]
Arrested judge wore dress, women’s hosiery [Manchester Union-Leader]

Big, bloated, pill-popping, injection taking asshole Roger Clemens is currently lying in front of a group of Viagra-popping, cash injection taking assholes in the House of Representatives. Apparently he is claiming to have never taken drugs, even though he pitched successfully until he was 75 years old and his body has had all kinds of special, magical things happen to it over the years. He may be a little dumb too, saying things like “misremembered” and mispronouncing the last name of the former trainer whose accusations against him have been the equivalent of a 12 inch studded dildo shoved up his ass and spun around like a top. Which is why he needs the high-powered team behind him from the law firm of Toupee & The Jew to do all of the talking.

The sad thing is that Roger used to be kind of fuckable, in that arrogant asshole baseball player way, but unfortunately all of the ‘roids have probably shrunken his dick down to the size of…sorry, I haven’t taken the required Cynics’ Party contributors course for describing tiny penises from Prof. FlyingChainSaw. I guess you all can finish that thought. [Associated Press]

Here’s a video from MSNBC in which Bill Clinton remembers that he was president once, and it’s a bit classless to act like a total dick.

From Ben Smith:

The mistake that I made is to think that I was a spouse like any other spouse, who could defend his candidate,” he said. “I think I can promote Hillary but not defend her, because I was president. I have to let her defend herself or have someone else defend her,” he said.

Good thought, bro.

Bill’s Mistake [Politico]