Not only are the raging, slackjawed criminal goons at the TSA now in charge of an ID program to credential people so they can be allowed near a ship or a pier, they’re using it to randomly brand students as terrorists at large - records which will go into permanent files that no one can see or ask to inspect without being branded an enemy combatant and bayoneted to death on the spot.

Already a batch of kids have been branded terrorists at large by the drooling goons at TSA and, to their peril, they’re pushing back. To go near piers and boats, starting this October you will need a Transportation Worker Identification Credential, a Naziffic-sounding piece of fucking fascist identity instrumentation.

Although the TSA is beating up hapless foreign students now, soon we’ll all be forced to beg for one of these credentials if we want to take the ferry to work. They’re only $132. A bargain at twice the price. Offer to lick the TSA agent’s genitals or hand him $500, and it might take less than a year to process.

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Yes, sports fans, you knew Caligutard was a stupid, brain-damaged, self-hating closeted homosexual (it’s a GOP thing) controlled by Wall Street thugs and petroleum industry gansters who regard him as witless, albeit momentarily useful, stooge. But we all suspected that he liked being used as a rag to wipe America’s ass before these goons raped it to bloody shreds, reveling in his role as the satanic destroyer of Western civilization and cackling at every catastrophe he provoked, living in joyous abandon as, in essence, the embodiment of evil animated as man.

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Yes, that’s a douchebag. So’s Christopher J. Ward, old guy, of Bethesda. Luckily for Democrats, he’s a douchebag for his own people. See, Chrissy used to be the treasurer of the National Republican Congressional Committee and was, like, their fixer and shit. Only, according to new reports, the only thing he actually fixed was his own bank account. Dude totally embezzled a million fucking dollars from the NRCC (and no one knows how much from the 83 Republican Political Action Committees) leading retiring Representative Tom Davis (R-VA, but I’m pretty sure he’s not very red) to exclaim “The House Republican brand is so bad right now that if it were a dog food, they’d take it off the shelf” (which is totally my new Facebook status, by the way). I might love Tom Davis a little. Did you know he’s been fighting for voting rights in D.C. for a while? It’s totally hott.

Anyway, so, if you see Christopher J. Ward, old guy, of Bethesda in a bar (I’m guessing he won’t be at the Capitol Grille anytime soon though), by the motherfucker a drink. He’s done more to fuck over Republicans than any actual Democrat.

NRCC Treasurer Accused of Campaign Fraud [Washington Post]
Ruse Is Cited in Missing G.O.P. Fund Case [NY Times]

John McCain will be president no matter how many lobbyists he has to fuck to get there.

There are a lot of reasons why John McCain is in trouble this morning, and we’d like to take just a moment to note one more. It’s just a small one, a drop in the proverbial campaign bucket, but for the sake of our continued pleasure, and the fact that the internets are rife with scandal coverage *yawn* we mention it just the same. As you know, we watch Indiana state politics very closely–with a microscope, one might even say. Like many states, Indiana forces candidates to go through some silly elected-office-is-open-to-everyone type motions to get on the ballot and also to reaffirm the notion that we live in a democracy. In Indiana, the requirement is 500 signatures from each congressional district. Assuming that there are that many people in every district, this is not a complicated task, and yet the well-oiled machine that is the McCain for President campaign came up five votes short. An Indiana blogger filed a challenge. Now, the Indiana legislature will probably have to get together, change the law and then apply it retroactively to Johnny, and how annoying is that? [Blue Indiana (thanks Robert)]

Or perhaps Happy Kwanzaa would be more appropriate.

Look, I am not going to lie - I have always kind of liked* Al Sharpton for probably the same reasons why so many people dislike him. He’s loud. He talks about issues of race and racism. He can make people of his own race feel just as uncomfortable as he makes some white people feel. I mean, the man has talent.

So it was no surprise to me that he is the only one talking any sense at all about this whole “seating the Florida and Michigan delegates” issue. I also find it amusing that the Republicans are STILL mad at him, because even though what Al is talking about hurts Swampsow, which you would think they would like, they actually want Swampsow to win this round so that she can then get the nomination because then they think they might actually be able to beat her with old man McCain. Confused yet? God, what kind of fucked up place do we live in? Is it time to drink yet? These questions are more relevant every day.

*Oh course by “liked” I mean that fucked up liberal way where I like black people in theory until I am actually around them and then I am all uncomfortable. Duh!

Romney tickles McCain’s pudgy little armpit

The New York Times, which is a newspaper I read because I’m smarter than everyone else, has an opinion piece about John McCain’s emergence as the new, older, uglier, Mitt Romney. Thank God, I missed that loveable Mormon scalleywag.

Gail Collins argues that this new hybrid, which I call McMitt Johnmey, reflects a change in McCain from his anti-torture, anti-tax cut, straight-talking stances to those of actual Republicans. I think this is a good thing. Since when have we allowed terms like “noble”, “integrity”, “hero”, and “finance reform” in politics, anyway? The last person to embody any one of these words (guess which one! hint: it’s not integrity) was John Kerry, and we saw what happened to him.
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The investors controlling the Los Angeles Times finally found an editor who they can be assured will make the paper cheap enough to run to pay off the ridiculous pile of debt the parade of fuckwit owners has piled up trading this proud national newspaper like a crack whore at a biker’s bachelor party.

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This is a screen grab from the Department of Homeland Security S&T Snapshots newsletter. Where were clever titles like “Boys in the Hood” during Abu Ghraib?  That would have really lightened up that whole situation.

Chertoff and his movie club now appear to be making all decisions based on their favorite Hollywood scripts.  Although I would have loved it if DHS went with the original spelling of Boyz, they still get respect for their hip knowledge of classic movies, especially those from the early 90s:

When first responders and security guards came to the DHS Science and Technology (S&T) Directorate’s Tell-Us-What-You-Need table, heading their list was an emergency escape hood worthy of James Bond. . . .

. . .Unlike Kevin Costner’s Bodyguard, the typical bodyguard finds his daily routine, well, routine. But the moment it’s not, the guard needs tools that are convenient, stealthy, and swift.

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Failed comedian and aspiring phone sex artist Bill O’Reilly has been increasingly losing his control around Democratic presidential candidates who will likely have him stomped, chained and dragged off to Gitmo forever next January. Last month, the whining twit tried to strongarm his way past Obama’s bodyguard for an interview. Luckily, the guard exercised Olympian reserve and didn’t pull out Phone Stroker O’Reilly’s internal organs and make a toast sandwich with them. Yesterday, O’Reilly took time out from masturbating over pictures of dead Iraqi children to call the ‘Fox and Friends’ show and threaten Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama, implying assassination attempts of character and otherwise if they did not submit themselves to interrogations by the squirrel-brained psychopaths at Fox News. More after the jump:

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Accompanying their massively long and (we assume) glowing portrait of President Barry Obama, 44th, 45th and 47th President of the United States, they have a special WEB ONLY gallery of Baby Barry Pics! Would you take a look at this cutie pie? Naysayers, look this happy little tyke in the eye, look him square in the eye and you tell him that you don’t want him to be president. You tell this unquantifiably lovable little sweetypants that you don’t want him to lead our country into Change forever and ever. Disappoint the cutest little kid ever to be born, go ahead and crush his dreams, I double fucking dare you. [Vanity Fair]